WHaving your home, possessions, and neighborhood disappear in a massive wildfire is physically and emotionally unthinkable. Even for people who currently live in Los Angeles.
While many people who have lost everything are not yet able to fully process what they are feeling, their emotions will develop and intensify over the coming days, weeks and months, says Nancy A. Piotrowski, a psychologist in Vallejo, California. , is a member of the American Psychological Association’s Council on Scientific Affairs and counsels clients affected by natural disasters. Trauma can last a lifetime.
“At first, people feel shocked and exhausted, sad, afraid and angry,” she says. “They may feel relieved that they are alive, or guilty if others they love are injured or die.” Some will simply feel numb, she adds.
There are no perfect words to use when speaking to someone affected, but it is essential to show care and support. First what no Let’s say: move away from the word “should”, which implies judgment, as Piotrowski suggests, or “at least” which encapsulates the situation. It’s also not a good idea to insinuate that everything happens for a reason, or that your loved one should only focus on what they still have.
We asked experts what exactly they should say to friends or family members who lost everything — or close to it — in the Los Angeles fires.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through such a painful loss. How has it been for you?”
Two days after she was evacuated to a hotel in Ventura, California, with her daughter, dog and two cats, Dr. Carol Lieberman couldn’t stop watching the news. She looked up from her phone, where she was updating the latest headlines, to fix her gaze on the television. Lieberman — a psychologist who had been living in a rented house for the past six years, since her home was damaged in the 2018 Woolsey fire — was in a “panic state” and couldn’t bear to eat breakfast for several days.
Read more: Understand the magnitude of the Los Angeles fires
As the fires swept through Los Angeles, many people reached out to make sure Lieberman was okay. She appreciated those who made it clear that they truly wanted to understand what she was going through. She told her best friend how she called the fire station about Freddy’s fire (“No one answered, of course”) and how she made the decision to evacuate along the Pacific Coast Highway in dangerous winds. He recounted the horrific experience I felt healed. “Sharing really helps,” she says. “Be compassionate and empathetic, and ask about the person’s story, because everyone has a story — or a lot of stories.”
“Please let me know how you are when you can. There is no need to respond now.”
Never underestimate the power of communication. Dr. Gary Small, chief of psychiatry at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, has a home in the affected area, and a friend called him to offer support. “He was really nice and said, ‘I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” “You don’t have to say much, just be real and honest and offer to help if needed.”
Piotrowski says a “light check-in” can be the ideal way to handle your early communications. Otherwise, having to respond to well-intentioned messages can make long to-do lists more difficult. “We know from research that sometimes social support feels like support,” she says. “Other times, it feels like pressure, or something else we have to respond to.”
The way you write your letter can ensure that your loved one doesn’t feel like another task they don’t have time to do – and increases the likelihood that they will contact you once they are able to do so.
“Can I get you some food, water, clothes, or a book? How about supplies for your pets?”
Instead of making a vague offer of help — or asking your friend if they need anything — focus on making specific offers, suggests Piotroski. This might mean bringing face masks to help protect against smoky air, toiletries, toys or other entertainment for their children, or a bag of dog food. “You stimulate the person with ideas,” she says. “They may not remember what they need spontaneously, but they will recognize it if you ask them if they need it.”
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She also recommends making it clear that your offer of assistance will not expire. You might say, “I’d like to be able to help you. If you need something, please let me know. It doesn’t matter if it’s today, tomorrow, or six months from now. Let me know, and if I can’t do it, I’ll try to help.” Find someone who can do it.
“You are safe in my house. You can bring whoever you want and stay as long as you want.”
When Amber Robinson, a trauma therapist in Los Angeles, looked out her window last week, she had a 360-degree view of the fire: There was fire in every direction, including one about 7 miles from her home. The fires had a personal and professional impact on her. While her friends and family were evacuated and had to make quick decisions about what belongings to take with them, her clients were facing the same situation.
She felt so sad for everyone who lost their home, and thought often about what she could say to show she cared. This includes welcoming friends in need into her home, if she ends up being in a position to do so. “This can be very helpful,” she says, especially since displaced people will likely feel like they are a burden on others. “If someone can invite you into their home without an expiration date, and they can be there with you to sit down and talk about it or not talk about it — just providing a safe space — that can be very comforting.”
“Keep crying or screaming. I’m here.”
Processor Karen Stewart’s office overlooks the Palisades Fire, which is less than two miles from the worst areas of the fire. She remembers seeing fires rising in the mountains last week, then watching in horror as the flames swept through nearby buildings. She knows many people who have lost everything: “All they left behind were the clothes they were wearing, the dogs in their car, their passport, and some photos.” Stuart has learned that the best way to communicate in such a difficult time is to make it clear that even though you may not know exactly what to say, you are there to listen. “Let them speak; Let them cry, let them scream, let them sit in silence.” “Give them space, because they feel displaced, literally and figuratively.”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable taking money from me, but I sent a check to the Red Cross in your area. I hope you’ll reach out to them.”
Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may decide to send your friend a gift card or some money to help cope with his or her financial stress. If you think they’ll have a hard time accepting this kind of gesture, donate to a local organization that helps those in need, and get your friend to reach out to you, suggests Piotrowski. The money won’t go directly to them, of course, but knowing what you did might encourage someone who might resist help to take advantage of available resources — perhaps accepting free meals, clothing, or baby supplies, for example. Either way, you can feel good knowing that your donation will support people affected by the fires, and your friend will likely appreciate what you’re doing for their community.
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Overall, pointing your loved ones to helpful resources can be an effective way to show support, Piotrowski adds — especially if you’re in a better position than them to do extensive online research.
“I have an idea how you feel.”
One of the worst things you can say to someone affected by bushfires is that you know how they feel, unless you already know. If you try to compare the loss of a home full of memories to a much less significant loss, things won’t go well, Lieberman says. But if you’ve experienced a similar loss, it’s okay to tell a friend or family member about it. She adds that as long as you emphasize that you know the situation isn’t quite the same, your friend may feel some comfort talking with you about how you’re coping with your grief.
“Those are some good memories for you.”
Sister-in-law Kay Connors lost her home in fires last week – meaning she lost not only material things, but special family keepsakes and memories and all the other irreplaceable artifacts that make up a life. Connors, a social worker in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Maryland Children’s Hospital, specializes in psychological first aid, which includes helping communities, families and children who have been exposed to traumatic mass events. This training inspired different ways to show support for her family members.
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“I texted my sister-in-law some family photos that she probably would have missed, just to cheer her up,” she says. “Like, ‘These are some good memories to focus on.'” Over time, perhaps you can create a scrapbook or photo album for your loved ones — a small way to help them reclaim something emotional they’ve lost.
“It’s okay to be angry.”
Explain to people affected by bushfires that they are allowed to feel their feelings, whatever they take. “They’re allowed to be upset, they’re allowed to be angry, they’re allowed to be confused, they’re allowed to be afraid,” Robinson says. Research indicates This validation helps people feel understood and accepted, and can also defuse intense emotions. “Los Angeles is a weird place to be right now,” she adds. “There’s a lot of anxiety, there’s a lot of miserable feelings, so leaning on each other and talking through the fears and anxieties is important.”
“I really care about you, and I wish I knew what to say. But I want you to promise me that you will call 988 if you need to.
The researchers have found Suicide rates rise after natural disasters. Some people may be at high risk, says Piotrowski: “Imagine you’re old and living on your own, and everything’s gone. Or maybe you just went through a divorce, and then you’re finally able to get back on your feet, and then this happens.” It can seem like too much to bear. If someone tells you they no longer want to live, point them out 988 Suicide and Crises Lifeline“, urges Piotrowski. He is available 24/7 via calls, text messages and online chat.
“Can I give you a hug?”
If your relationship with someone involves physical touch, now might be a good time to cuddle. If it’s new to you, ask permission first, Piotroski advises. She adds that placing a gentle hand on someone’s shoulder can have an equally comforting effect, especially when they’re lost in thought or too frozen in the moment to speak. “You don’t want to invade their physical space,” she says. “But this can get people out of their minds and help them sit next to you again.”
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“I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
Thousands of people who lost their homes in the Los Angeles wildfires are likely to receive plenty of support early on. “I imagine there will be a lot of gathering around them in the first few days, weeks or even months,” Robinson says. “But this is a very long process, and often people tend to rush – not intentionally – over time.” She adds that the fires will create long-term trauma. I have worked with clients who lost their homes to wildfires and are still reeling from the experience years later. Making it clear that you will be there every step of the way, no matter how long it may take, is one of the best ways to offer support.
That might simply mean checking in after a few months with a heart emoji or a quick text message to let your friend know you’re thinking about them. “Something I tell my clients all the time is that grief is not linear, but it’s not healing either. It will take time. But shared grief leads to relief from grief, and one of the most comforting things is having a community,” Robinson says. “.